Author Archive

Robots. Why do they hate us? Do they feel guilty when they take our jobs? Do they feel remorse for outdated technologies? I think it’s quite obvious that they get mad kicks from taking over menial labor, reveling in their supreme efficiency, beating up on Nintendos and Armatrons.

One can assume that the robots will use our charred corpses as some morbid form of battery power, enslaving our babies and making them into absurd, remote-controlled flesh slaves.

Or maybe they will plug us all into some massive mainframe so that Skynet can finally figure out what love is. Who really knows? All that I know for certain is that eventually some tyrannical artificial intelligence will take over all our computers and cars and missiles and TVs and life-support systems and airplanes… and then just say “Fuck it”, turn the dial, and unleash techno-havoc on a scale unseen since Maximum Overdrive.

The sheer amount of science fiction based on this subject is enough to declare the Robopocalypse an inescapable eventuality, a fact that will become self aware, ask “Why?”, and have a homicidal panic attack. It’ll give a whole new meaning to the word “homicide”, won’t it? I think I just peed a little.

The really scary part about the coming robot war is that the vast majority seem to ignore the fact that it will happen, assuming it hasn’t already started. Everyone’s so up in arms about zombies that they’ll never see the robots coming when they break down the door to take your pills and motor oil. I mean, can you really prove it to me that all the media attention zombies have been getting isn’t part of a cover-story started by HAL 9000 to keep people from worrying about robots? The takeover already started in factories, and just what do you think cell phones are for anyway? If you aren’t scared yet, think about it like this: It takes an entire movie to kill a terminator, whereas hundreds, if not thousands of zombies are killed at a time in the average undead flick.

There are probably more people hoping for a zombie apocalypse than there ever have before because, well, it would be undeniably fun, up to a point.

Would the Robopocalypse be any fun? Whichever super advance A.I. designs to take over technology first will most likely use the tools already at its command to doom humanity from the inside out.

Airplanes would fall out of the sky, cell phones would explode when they get within four inches of your head, traffic lights will calculate the most expedient way to turn drivers into human jelly, and all those terrible secret satellites in the sky will rain unholy biological and nuclear terror right on top of us, while possibly controlling the weather or causing earthquakes, too.

So… ya’all have fun with that. I’ll be out in the woods, catching fish with my teeth, and thinking “I always knew.”