Meet Market 9/19/18

Featured Opinion Meet Market Opinion

How do you break the ice with a girl?

-Horny and Confused

What’s up Horny and Confused,

First off, I’d like to commend you for putting your judicial aspirations on hold in favor of bothering to break the ice. This is a pretty hard and fast way to both minimize suffering and hassle for both yourself and the girl. Considering your signature, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you are trying to get a little deeper than a mere relationship. This is probably wise, as it’s always easier to get laid if you’re not impoverished by divorce settlements of arbitrary gift-giving occasions.

Since your goals are different than most Google or YouTube “How do I talk to girls” queries, you’ll need to consider a slightly more ad hoc line of introductions. Keep in mind that since most human interaction, and especially that which leads to carnal activity, is vacuous, you need to say a parsimonious myriad of nonsensical bullshit that is a combination of empty and charming. Ladies love people who say nothing and, at the same time, make them feel good.

As you figure out what it is that you should say, you should know that there are three things that women are looking for. To have any chance at all, you need to possess at least one of the following: a minimally decent level of attractiveness, the willingness to be abhorrent or abusive to those weaker than you or wealthy. The only exception is that if you are a nice guy and have a full beard that does not evoke images of homelessness, you too can find a hookup. If you meet none of these criteria, I would recommend that you stop reading the column and get a Pornhub subscription. They’re only $9.99 per month!

If you do meet these criteria, setting is really the thing that you’re looking for. Breaking the ice with any degree of utility depends entirely on where you are. Bars, frat parties, oval offices and Athens are some good examples. Almost everyone is horny and lonely, so more than anything, you just have to convince the other person that it would not be embarrassing to fuck you and that you aren’t creepy. After that, just buy her some Denny’s and call it good.