Slug fest: Superman

Opinion

Let’s face it. If Superman is going up against the incredible el kabongo insaniac frothin’ at the mouth Hulk, he’s going to have to stop bein’ a sissy little boy scout and pull out his big guns. In order to face the unleashed animalistic fury of a nuclear powered wimp with a PhD in physics, Superman needs to put his Doomsday fighting, no holds barred gloves on.

The way I see it starting, some goon shoves Bruce Banner in the lunch line somewhere in Metropolis, and lil’ Brucie starts throwing a green-skinned temper-tantrum. Within the first five minutes, ten square blocks of the City of Tomorrow are devastated, and Superman has just shown up from stopping a tsunami or an earthquake on the other side of the planet. A couple miles away still and breaking the sound barrier a few times, Superman has already used his telescopic and x-ray vision to determine that a hulking, man-shaped tumor is destroying his favorite city, and closing in on the Daily Planet.

Being Superman, he goes in for a quick assessment of this monster that he’s never seen before. Landing several super-speed punches in succession, Superman lets up, since most enemies just can’t take that kind of punishment. And then? BADOOM. Superman is jettisoned into the ocean, having just fallen victim to an incredible green uppercut with a strength he’s never witnessed outside of his own Weight Training Room of Solitude. At this point, Superman regrettably realizes that he’s going to have to fight harder and more viciously than ever before.

Superman charges back, unleashing a volley of heat vision blasts and, uh, cold… breath… to hopefully imprison or at least slow the Hulk down. Of course, this pisses the Hulk off to no end. “The madder Hulk gets, the STRONGER Hulk gets!” he bellows, sounding something like a toddler not getting a new action figure at KB Toys. The Incredible one then grabs Superman’s head, spins him a few times, drives the man of steel about two miles underground and walks into the lobby of the Daily Planet. The force of an atom bomb is detonated in the building, and the Planet falls. Dazed, Superman wakes up somewhere in the earth’s crust and witnesses the carnage and mayhem two miles above him. Red fills his eyes.

Superman is now more pissed than he ever thought possible and ready to do whatever it takes to make the Hulk dead. After all, the Hulk has just killed Superman’s wife and friends and put him out of an honest job. Waaaaay faster than a speeding bullet, Superman flies up on the unsuspecting Hulk, who has already forgotten about the last son of Krypton. Since the Hulk let’s damn near everyone know how his powers work, the whole madder/stronger thing, Superman has an advantage. Zooming in on the green behemoth, Superman uses his various vision powers to pin-point the portion of Hulk’s brain that triggers anger and adrenaline, and promptly fillets it with his heat vision, effectively lobotomizing the Hulk. The Hulk turns back into Bruce Banner, Superman crushes his head, then throws the body towards the sun for good measure. Having broken his no-killing oath, Superman soars into space, never to be seen again. The end.

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