Love and elevators; campus metaphor

Commentary Opinion

Every week I deliver the Griffon News across the campus and to make this process easier on my aging frame, I use the elevators. I have ridden in every elevator on campus and, in doing so, began to make some observations. I believe that the ride in the elevators of each building is comparable to how the majors of that building make love.

The artists, musicians and actors of Potter Hall might be known for getting down quite passionately but do it in a small elevator, one of the smallest on campus. When you step into it, first thing you might notice is that it takes a long time for the door to close. Like the act of opening up to you, or shedding the clothes, deserves applause even before the performance. Which once that begins, you feel the movement immediately, it quickly responds, makes a rushing noise and then it is over. Seven seconds and it is over and it takes another six seconds for the door to open, once again, it makes you feel like it is waiting for applause. At least it is very clean.

If the elevators are any indicator, the athletes of the Looney Sports complex are quite eager. Doors open right up and close right away. That elevator is ready to get down. You feel the drop and the hustle with a little bump at the end. It is the quickest ride on campus.
Wilson building has a tiny little elevator that takes 10 seconds to open the doors after you press the button.

There is no sound or movement at all, just a slight hiss and a little shimmy at the end.

The scientists of the Agenstein building might be the elevator with the most personality. The doors jump right open, it rattles and its big. It promises 4 floors but only takes you to three. A slight bit of motion, a strong fan, a squeak and shake and one final bump and it is over. It takes a while for the door to open like a lover that does not want to let you go.

The Blum Student Union has a smooth opening door, clean and new on the inside. It varies in the riding style with a little bump and slight motion, a shuffling feeling to begin with, and a big bump and a small bump at the end.

Spratt is newer and fancier and has the largest capacities. Door closes with a creak. The ride is very smooth with slight inertia. It rumbles at the end. Popplewell is really slow. It is slow to open and slow to make its move. It is tiny and old. There is no lifting feeling but a slight roar with a big bump at the end.

Murphy is newer and clean , gives a hiss and a grind with little feeling of movement and the final bump is small with a creaky door to let you out. The Hearnes center makes grinding noise with no post bump, a little rattling and looks the rattiest. Eder hall is big and old. You feel the shuffle, and there is one final bump as it slows down, you can feel the deceleration.

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