Gonzo journalist strikes blow in battle to liberate breasts


It is easy to get someone’s attention with breasts. Not just men, either. Humankind itself often has to pause to reflect on a good pair. Although I am a bottom-of-the-hourglass kind of guy myself, even I have a healthy appreciation of breasts. Just admit it, boobs are wonderful. They nurture life, inspire passion, and make lot of money for a few people.

In America, we have a strange love/hate relationship with them. Somehow, breasts are still naughty to us. Europeans have topless decks at public pools, and women feel comfortable feeding their infants on the bus. There is topless weather forecasts and newspapers with a page five girl out there in other parts of the world. But in America we only like them when it is dirty.

Can we get a revote on this one?

Clearly, we the people, really like breasts. Think about how many words we have for them. Boobies, boobs, jugs, knobs, cones, tits, melons, mangos, head-lights, and the list goes on. According to The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (2004 Statistics), boob-jobs are the third most practiced cosmetic surgery in the country, losing only to nose-jobs and lip-jobs. In 2004, the doctors of ASPS charged Americans a grand collective fee of $890,610,293 on boob-jobs. Every year more and more woman get them and younger women get them. Let’s face it, in the U.S., we really like boobs.

So why do we have to make them dirty?

Sure they can be sexy, that is another great thing about them. But why make them taboo. Many ancient civilizations sported women’s tops that slung under one bare exposed breast. I say we bring back that fashion. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a balance to all the phallic symbolism we already have going?

I would like to see some more buildings built like giant domes. Great mounds filling the sky. Wouldn’t that be neat?

If we took away the taboo of the bare breast, it might allow us to unclench just enough that we realize that it isn’t going to kill anyone, or turn our children into depraved maniacs. Then maybe we can start focusing on things that are really critical to mankind’s enlightenment.

I say; Let the boobs free. Let them swing from the rafters. Let them guide the way. According to the Cosmopolitan website article, the Boob Bible, there are over 4 million artificial ones there to join in the battle. Let the battle of the breasts begin.This article is in honor of National Cleavage Day which just passed on April 6.

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