The Griffon News

Searching for love in all the right places?

Look sharp! Valentine’s Day is lethal. It stands in back alleys, pushing stale boxes of chocolates and Care Bear cards at the naive. Valentine’s Day stalks the cold season: the CDC has released that they have antigenically characterized 197 influenza viruses. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds bad, right?

I’m pretty sure the Aztec calendar ends on Valentine’s Day, and it was Hitler’s birthday. LegalMatch, a San Francisco based service, claims the day results in the largest increase of couples seeking divorce attorneys. It’s a climate changing catastrophic event that causes rising sea levels, glacier retreat, and species extinctions. We want prenup.

So how is the average college lush supposed to get through such dire times? Well, don’t buy shotguns, cash your stocks and move to some remote place like Kansas if you don’t have a date yet. Instead, let me tug on your coat about something: being the winter, things can get real frosty on the dating front, but there’s still hope. Take a seat on your rolling backpack and let’s get to rocking.

The first step is simple and easy to understand: the flirtation of a potential liaison can be acquired through an aural pulchritude. You might want to write that down, or abbreviate it for a handy reference sheet. It’s all about music, really. Beethoven was deaf, Keith Richards is old, and 50 Cent can’t rap. That never slowed them down, and you can use that to your advantage.

Stand outside of your crush’s house, usually late at night, and play something very, very loud. That’s to get their attention, and let them know you’re interested. The choice of music varies, but I try to stick with songs that infomercials promote, ’cause they’re cheap. The magical pan flute of Yanni is soothing in this naturally stressful initial step, and provides good atmosphere when you finally ask your crush on a date.

Once you’ve finally found that special someone that enjoys pan flutes as much as you, it’s time to take them out and be smooth with them. Most people enjoy food. You should probably go get some, preferably with your date. If they’re not interested in the bacon bits, Cheeze Whiz, and whiskey you have at your place, you might have to take them to dinner somewhere.

This brings us to a tricky situation: you’ll probably have to foot the bill or beat feet. If this is the case, most restroom windows are just wide enough so that, with some squirming, you can get out of the restaurant and escape the check. You can meet up with your date later in the parking lot. You can explain yourself by leaning in real close, and whispering something eloquent and sexy like, “Um.”

If your chivalry has still failed to impress your fledgling romantic interest, there’s still no reason to fret. Even in the worst scenario, you can still call yourself up for a date. After all, you’re free and you probably get along with yourself pretty well. Use all of the moves that I’ve outlined, invent a few yourself, and you’ll begin a lifelong love with yourself. People might give you strange looks, but let ‘em stare. After all, who says that the winter has to be cold just because you’re a bachelor or bachelorette? At the very least, you’ll survive through Valentine’s Day.