The Griffon News

Here’s a funny concept.
 
Functional Illiteracy.   

It is a state of not being able to use one’s literacy in any functional aspect.
 
No reading fine print, just the headlines, and they really may be too much mental effort.
 
It can be seen everyday at convenience stores across the country when some irate bladder-bloated person demands from the plebian clerk that they reveal the location of the elusive restroom — even though the interrogator is standing in front of big black bold letters that say “Rest Room” in two languages.

After that, the customer might try and use a clearly marked “out of order” drinking fountain.

Its not really that funny when you consider that according to UNESCO there are One Billion non literate adults on the planet.

There are only six and a half billion of us, so that means that when you are standing in a pack of six people waxing all things “Potter” and Tolkien, one of you is a cheater who can only join the conversation through the second-hand super cinema machine.   

Thank the Stars and Stripes that over half of those people are in India or China.

We started our war on illiteracy a long time ago.

On Feb 8, 1914, the New York Times ran a head line “For War on Illiteracy.” The article detailed how the House committee of education was going to define and tackle this problem.

In the Seventies, we really kicked it into high gear and illiteracy became one of the first targets of our government fascination of declaring war on concepts.

In the Eighties, big mama Bush, Barbara really ramped up the fight for the cause of her son who was suffering from dyslexia.

Recently, our own commander and chief must have made mama proud when he announced a new “war on illiteracy for the young” at a Florida elementary school on Sept. 10, 2001.

Despite that enduring battle, many Americans are simply too lazy to use the literacy that they are privileged to have.

You can see it everyday in the classroom when a teacher assigns a reading assignment.

College students should be able to read, they just don’t want to expend what little mental energy and attention span you have to focus the fine point of literacy.

That is right, I said you.   

I mean you, reading this.

Prove to me you are not functionally illiterate.

I say a multitude of things that make me sound like an ass in these spaces the Griffon News is so generous to let me fill with my ranting, but no one calls me out for it.

I will have you know I would consider being assaulted in public for something I wrote the greatest praise because then I would know that you read my words.

That’s all I want from the world is to rub shoulders with free thinking literate people.
Even in America, where we have been kicking illiteracy’s posterior, people still are asking gas station clerks why the pump won’t turn on, when there is a sign at eye level that says “pre-pay only.”
 
The functional illiterate is ignorant because he or she  simply wouldn’t take the time to use skills they might not have if they were from somewhere else.

Jerk.

I am going to enlist in the army that fights the functionally illiterate and start staging guerilla style strikes.

It is what a patriot would do after all.